Negotiating an office romance..
With most of us spending more time at work than anywhere else, it's hardly surprising that the workplace is one of the most common places for romance to blossom. Not only are your workmates guaranteed to share at least one of your major life interests, but they also tend to live within reasonable dating distance and have a similar level of education. When things are going well, the meaningful photocopier encounters, over-the-partition glances and lively lunch dates can make your working week a whole lot more interesting than if your love interest was not around. But what if it all goes wrong? Relationships Australia NSW CEO Anne Hollonds says a workplace relationship is riskier than most because, in the worst-case scenario, it can mean losing your job or your professional reputation. Here are her top tips for pulling yourself out of a professionally sticky situation.
Be prepared
The best time to deal with your failed office romance, Hollonds says, is before you get even the faintest whiff that things are unlikely to work out. "It's smart to go into any workplace romance wary, and avoid being a Pollyanna, with wishful thinking and excessive optimism," she says. "Instead, plan for the worst in the early stages, and then hope for the best.
Discuss the 'what-ifs' [with the other party] before you get too involved to figure out what you would do in the different possible outcomes, and, if need be, whether one of you would consider asking for a transfer. "If you don't have a contingency plan, talk about how you will behave towards each other at work as soon as you know it's not working. Try to be seen together professionally at work, despite the break-up."
Tell your boss
Most sensible employers and colleagues understand that people who get together at work can break up. A workplace break-up is a test of your professionalism and can, ironically, often work in your favour. "If you take charge and handle it well, your reputation as a highly professional person may be enhanced," Hollonds says.
"Most bosses will value an employee who can put the issues on the table early, with suggestions on how a tricky situation could be made easier." Moving desks or departments, or asking for a team or office transfer may be viable options that only need to be temporary until your emotional life settles down.
Do the right thing
It's important to get your work done and not sit at your desk crying all day. Don't be an emotional wreck for too long. "A workplace has a purpose, and it's to work, and we are expected to manage our emotional lives to complete the work we're being paid to do," Hollonds says. "If you really are that distressed, try to get some time off and get some counselling to ensure that when you come to work, you are ready to work."
Confide in a colleague
"Confide in someone at work you trust implicitly and who is not in a position of responsibility," Hollonds says. "But choose your confidant very carefully. I wouldn't think there'd be more than one or two of these trustworthy people in any circle." Counselling will also help you to heal quicker and learn from mistakes, helping you make wiser choices next time.
Don't gossip
As much as you might feel you need to confide in people, do not badmouth your ex to any of your mutual colleagues. "Everybody needs support when they are going through a break-up, but my advice is to find people outside of your work circle to do most of your offloading on," Hollonds says.
Avoid a rebound
Attempting to fix the emotional void from your break-up by latching on to someone new won't help, so don't jump straight into another workplace relationship. "Give yourself time to heal, recover and build your strength and don't have another workplace romance straight away," Hollonds says.
Don't self destruct
"Do things that are nurturing. Look after your health and wellbeing and get all the support you can from people outside of work," Hollonds says. "Take up a new hobby, go to the gym or do things that make you feel positive about yourself." Research shows that doing something good for someone else in need, such as an elderly neighbour, can also make you feel better about yourself. "Choose small steps that make a positive impact on you, and make sure you take them," Hollonds says.
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