Finding alone time...

What constitues quality alone time in a relationship? Dr Gabrielle Morrissey takes a look.

I find that my boyfriend wants to spend less and less time with me. We do live together so we see each other a lot but we also live with two other people so alone time can be rare.

He considers hanging out with everyone as time together but I cannot seem to make him realise that I want time just with him to talk and especially have sex - something that is hard to come by with a house full of people. Please help.

This is not unusual so do not feel alone. Even couples who don’t live together can battle this issue of spending quantity and quality together. You do have an added challenge of living with others because it means your home time is not guaranteed to be alone time, but couples with children deal with this every day too, and it is an obstacle that can be overcome. The difference is that when you live with roommates, you have to work harder at fighting the tendency to hang out as friends, and instead keep your couple dynamic.

This requires two conversations. The first is between you and your boyfriend. The second though is between the two of you and your roommates. When you and your boyfriend have agreed to prioritise your relationship, sit down with your roommates and ask them if it would be okay to sometimes have the house alone. Yes it is their home too, but if they are aware that you are looking for more alone time, then they may be able to make some choices about when they spend their time out. For instance, if one of your roommates has a weekend plan to be out for the day or evening, the other may follow suit to go out too, rather than stay at home, if they know that you two have asked to have time together at home. Having that awareness between everyone in the house just might make it possible on a practical level, to get more time together.

Before this though, you really do need to talk to your boyfriend. There can be many reasons why he might want to spend less and less time with you and it’s important to figure them out so you can address them. It may seem like less time to you because the more you want time together and don’t get it, the less it feels that you do spend quality time together.

Remember, it may not be a conscious decision on his part. Some partners, as you are experiencing, consider spending time with you and with others as quality time spent with you, because they believe that any time spent relaxing and enjoying life, in any capacity, with friends or alone, is loving, bonding together time. And there is a certain truth to
that. You can’t discount the time you spend as a couple in the company of others. However, it must be in balance with time you spend alone as a couple. If you find your partner is avoiding true alone time, it’s usually a sign that they are avoiding intimacy. It’s easy to be affectionate in the company of others because there is a boundary around how far it can go, but it is in the quiet, private moments together that true intimacy grows, when you talk, share your hearts, minds and bodies, and if your partner is increasingly avoiding that, you must stop and address it.

Pick or arrange a time when you can be alone, and tell your boyfriend that you’ve noticed how rare it is that you get this time. Ask him if you can talk, and then ask him if there
are any reasons for this growing distance. Ask him if he is happy with the amount of alone time you have together and even if he says yes, tell him you aren’t and would like to find a little more time together. Keep it positive, rather than critical: tell him he is your favourite person to be with and you miss having him to yourself instead of making him feel attacked and like he has let you down or isn’t doing a good job as a boyfriend. A positive nudge with sharing your genuine feelings will get you much further to what you want than a negative needy harsh criticism.

Lastly, and this is just as importantly, keep your talk to one main point. I understand one of the things you want is a better sex life, along with more alone time, but that will follow once you fix how much intimate alone time you spend together. So rather than list out multiple issues and overload your boyfriend, giving him the impression that you are deeply unhappy and your relationship has many problems needing to be addressed, stick to the paramount issue of time. See if you both feel better and more bonded once you start spending more time together and the intimacy and sheet sizzling should follow … especially once your more aware roommates are on board and discretely out of the way too!