How do I figure out what she likes in bed?

"My girlfriend is too self conscious to talk about anything intimate – about her likes and dislikes in bed or even romantically. She says she was brought up not to talk about sex and it makes her uncomfortable. I love her and it’s important to me that she’s satisfied, but she never gives me any clues. How do I figure out what she likes in bed?"

Talking about private matters – and sex is certainly that – can be awkward, especially for a person who’s grown up in a household in which talking about such things was taboo. If someone is shy, self-conscious or has any anxiety about sex (which is common and can be for any number of reasons), talking about pleasure can be immensely difficult. 

You’re a great boyfriend to want to know what turns your lover on and meet her needs. All partners deserve this, men and women alike. But to expect her to be as comfortable as you about expressing her desires indicates that you don’t understand her, and she won’t be open to sharing her innermost desires if she doesn’t feel understood. There’s not one certain approach to talking about sex, whether someone’s shy or not, but here are some tips to try in your relationship. With these and a healthy dose of sensitivity, you’re bound to get further than you have so far.

• Acknowledge that you’re different: Let your girlfriend know that you understand you’re both different in how you were raised, and how you were taught to view and talk about sex. Tell her that you love the many differences between you and you’re not trying to change her to be like you. Your aim is to get to know her better, to achieve greater happiness for her and you both as a couple.
• Share how important it is to you: Explain that being able to pleasure her in bed is a priority for you. She may not know this.
• Ask her to show you what she enjoys: Perhaps that will be easier for her than talking about it, and there may be something she’d like you to discover in bed together but she’s not sure of. Be aware that she may not be telling you what turns her on simply because she hasn’t done a lot of self-exploration. 
• Bookmark ideas: Look through books and magazines for things you’d like to try or think she might like. Ask her to read them and keep the ones she likes. Also look online – there are some great interactive apps that empower women and men to explore their sexuality andpleasure together.
• Remember that change is slow: Every communication you share on this subject is a step in the right direction. Don’t expect huge change all at once – pressure her and you’ll get the opposite of what you want.
• Talk about your “ideal relationship”: What do you both want, inside and outside the bedroom? Discussing your relationship is a great gateway to talking about sex, especially for people who are shy.