Are you and your partner speaking the same love language?

If your relationship is on shaky ground because you and your partner aren’t communicating, it may be time for a lesson in love languages. b+s sexologist Gabrielle Morrissey explains

For years I’ve given workshops for couples on communication and connection. A major complaint I hear is how they don’t feel appreciated, validated or truly loved. A range of other love issues stem from this. They “know” they’re loved, but on a regular basis they don’t “feel” loved. They feel disconnected or that their partner is distracted with other things such as work or family.

Most couples will experience communication difficulties at some point, especially those who don’t make the investment to understand one another’s communication style. Once you discover this, and stop assuming your partner is just like you, effective communication becomes less about conflict and more about connection.

The 5 love languages explained

The secret formula lies in discovering your partner’s “love language” as well as knowing and sharing your own with them. The idea of a “love language” was pioneered by US relationship counsellor and author Gary Chapman, and it may be the single most effective tool you can use in arelationship, whether it’s new or long-term, to avoid or resolve conflict, enhance passion, foster greater connection and sustain the mutual feeling of being loved.

There are five different love languages. Most of us have one or two that reliably and effectively make us feel loved, through good and bad times. Never assume your partner’s primary love language is the same as yours. And never assume their most important love language will stay the same over time. Humans change, even in something as fundamental as how we love and feel loved.

1. Affirmations This is what you say to one another – how you say “I love you”, how you show your appreciation of them as a lover, partner, nurturer, provider, and how you praise their qualities.

2. Deeds This is what you do to show your affection and appreciation, through acts of consideration and selflessness.

3. Gifts These are tokens of thought, affection and appreciation, not just on special occasions but spontaneously, too.

4. Quality time This is about just the two of you, alone – no phones, no distractions. It’s about interacting to build your connection together.

5. Physical touch It’s not just sex, but the range of physical touch that can but doesn’t always lead to lovemaking.

How we get it wrong

In my workshops, I separate the men and women into groups and ask them to brainstorm the love languages they prefer to receive, as well as the ones they believe their partner likes to receive from them. The verdict? There are always incorrect assumptions, and they may have been lurking for years.

Men find out they needn’t have splurged on their partner as often, and that simple cards and sweet sentiments go a lot further in making the women feel deeply, truly loved.

Women assume physical intimacy is paramount for men to feel loved, but mistakenly believe it’s all about the sex and neglect how much a man simply likes to be touched.

There are funny examples, such as a husband who proudly declared that every week he refuelled and cleaned the car for his wife of 20 years, only for her to confess that, while sweet, this act didn’t make her feel nearly as loved as if he brought her flowers a few times a month.

It can seem like we’re talking about trivial details in our lives, but these languages that we speak, express, desire and, yes, often misinterpret, have a bigger meaning week in and week out in a couple’s shared life together.